Donald Trump: Crime solver. It's even scarier than it sounds.

Don’t worry about a thing, friends. Donald Trump has taken over Washington D.C., and everything is going to be just fine. “It’s going to look beautiful like nobody’s ever seen,” Trump told the media gathered today in the White House Press Room.

“Today we’re publicly declaring a public safety emergency. This is an emergency. This is a tragic emergency,” Trump announced with a gaggle of lickspittles like Pam Bondi and Pete Hegseth flanking him at the podium. “And it’s embarrassing for me to be up here. You know, I’m going to see Putin. I’m going to Russia on Friday. [Yes, he said Russia not Alaska.] I don’t like being up here talking about how unsafe and how dirty and disgusting this once beautiful Capital was, with graffiti all over the walls, this is another part of it, by the way. We had the most beautiful potential Capital in the world. We always had. It’s going to be clean very quickly. We’re going to replace the medians that are falling down all over the roads, we’re going to replace the potholes, we’re going to put a nice new coat of asphalt over the top. And Attorney General Pam Bondi, who’s fantastic, is taking command of the Metropolitan Police Department as of this moment.”

See how easy that was? Clean up some walls and “replace” the potholes and cover it up with a nice new coat of asphalt and turn the whole thing over to Pam Bondi, who has done such a fantastic job of covering up the fact that Trump’s name is graffitied all over the Epstein files.

How inconvenient that FBI statistics just revealed that crime in the District of Columbia is at a 30-year low. Auto thefts are down 25 percent. Carjackings are down 37 percent, according to NBC4 television news in Washington. Even Fox News is reporting that “violent crime dropped 24 percent compared to 2024.”

So, what is Trump going to do? He’s going to put 800 armed National Guard troops on the streets of Washington with the authority to make arrests, which should come as a surprise to the conservative fans of the Posse Comitatus Act, which forbids the U.S. military from involvement in domestic police matters. Yes, that is right. There was a time in this country when conservatives screamed their heads off every time National Guard troops were deployed in the Deep South to prevent mobs from attacking school children on their way to newly integrated schools. They screamed Posse Comitatus at the top of their lungs and wrung their hands at the thought that the military was taking over policing in cities in the South.

But Washington D.C., which Trump described as “dirtier than anyone has ever seen,” is going to be beautiful, because he is going to MDCBA, Make D.C. Beautiful Again! Trump complained about “cracked marble.” No more of that, yessireebob! And we’re not going to have “ropes around Lincoln and Jackson.” Trump was complaining that “radical leftists” tried to rip down the statues of Abraham Lincoln and Andrew Jackson. That’s not going to happen again. Anyone who throws a rope around a statue in Washington D.C. is going to get “ten years in prison with no parole if you so much as touch a statue in Washington D.C.” according to Donald Trump at his press conference today.

See, Trump knows all about beautifying things. Just look at what he’s done to the White House! By the way, someone who is called “McMansion Hell” and writes a column by that name on Patreon.com spent several hours the other day trying to find a “margent – which is a strip of leaf and/or flower forms hanging downwards, in this case from a shell motif” that appears on the Oval Office fireplace turned sideways and dangling below portraits on the wall, as shown here:

Credit: McMansion Hell

McMansion Hell finally found the exact piece of foam applique for sale on a Chinese merchant site like Amazon called Alibaba. Here is the ad for the decoration Trump has had gold leafed and stuck to his fireplace:

Trump can hot-glue anything he wants to the walls and fireplace trim in the White House. He can pave the Rose Garden. Apparently, he can erect an extension on the East Wing of the White House for his Rococo ballroom.

And now he has shown that he can deploy armed soldiers in the streets of Washington D.C. to quell a crime-spree that does not exist, because as good as Trump is at home decoration, he is also the world’s biggest expert at law enforcement, as he showed the world the day in 1989 that he ran full page ads in all the New York newspapers calling for the execution of five Black and Latino teenagers arrested for raping and nearly killing a female jogger in Central Park. Here is how Trump described the solution to crime in New York: “Bring back the death penalty and bring back our police!” The five teenagers were exonerated by DNA evidence and the confession of the man who actually committed the crime. The five said all along that they had been coerced into admitting a crime they didn’t commit. Their convictions were vacated in 2002, and the city of New York settled their civil rights lawsuit in 2014 for $41 million.

Trump “solved” the case of the Central Park Five with a newspaper ad, and he is solving the non-existent crime explosion in Washington D.C. the way he has solved everything else, with an executive order and a press conference. Now he’s threatening Chicago, Los Angeles, and San Francisco. But St. Louis and Kansas City and Birmingham, all of which have crime problems that make Washington’s pale in comparison, have no worries. They are in red states with Republican governors and Republican legislatures, all of which voted overwhelmingly for Trump in 2024. No National Guard for them. No Justice Department cracking down on their police forces.

There were three dead bodies in the parking lot of a Target store in Austin, Texas, this afternoon after a mass shooting. No problem. It’s Texas. They’re busy Gerrymandering.

But look over there! Graffiti and potholes and cracked marble and dirty streets in Washington D.C.! “Big Balls” got a bloody nose! Send in the National Guard!