The Lucian solution to the stuck ship

Trust me. I can get global trade moving again.

Stuck ship in Suez Canal. Note notch in side of canal slightly downstream from ship. Note “Evergreen” sign on side of ship.

I assume you’ve seen the photos of the gigantic, quarter-mile long container ship stuck sideways in the Suez Canal.  They’ve got tugboats buzzing around it, a huge excavator that looks tiny in comparison to the ship trying to dig it out.  There are lots of photos and videos of Egyptian officials and experts standing around pointing and scratching their heads.  Everyone agrees that it’s a confounding problem.

I do, too, but I’ve got a solution.  Bear with me: A) They’re never going to move a 200,000 metric ton ship with tugboats.  They just churn the water.  All they’re doing is making wakes.  B) They’re not going to be able to dig it out.  Too much sand to move.  It would take weeks.  C) They’re not going to be able to dredge it out, either.  Again, too much sand to move and too little time. D) They’re not going to be able to budge the bow of the boat because the boat ran aground bow-first, so the bow is stuck deeply in the side of the canal.

So here’s the Lucian solution:

1) Reduce the weight you’re attempting to move.  Immediately pull another ship alongside the ship at the position of the “Evergreen” sign, in the middle of the canal. Use ship-mounted cranes to remove containers and when the second ship is loaded, take them away. Move another ship with cranes into position and do the same thing until you’ve removed a couple layers of containers and greatly reduced the ship’s gross weight. 

2) Start digging a big hole in the sand on the opposite side of the canal from the ship’s stern, just about where you can see a little notch in the side of the canal. (See photo above.)  Dig the hole a good distance inland from the canal, at least 50 to 100 yards so it’s in very solid ground. 

3)  When the hole is dug, put a bunch of huge concrete blocks with large iron rings cast into their tops where you can attach cables.  I mean huge blocks, maybe 10 feet square.

4)  Hook up six of the biggest winches you can find to short cables and attach those cables to the rings on the concrete blocks.  Place the winches a short distance away from the edge of the hole.

5) Now bury the concrete blocks with the winches’ drums aimed across the canal at the stern of the boat.

6) Get your tugboats to run six cables diagonally across the canal from the winches to the stern of the boat and attach them.  

7)  Wire up six huge generators to the winches, turn them all on at once, and start winching the boat, stern first, away from the opposite shore into the canal.

8)  Hook up several tugs to the stern of the boat and as soon as the stern is dislodged, have the tugs start to move the ship stern-first down the canal until the bow is dislodged from the side of the canal.  Have a few more tugs push the bow away from the side of the canal into the shipping lane.

9)  Start the ship’s engines and drive down the canal.

That’s the Lucian solution to the Suez canal mess.  Call me if you need my further assistance, but you’re going to have to send a Gulfstream, because I ain’t flying commercial.  Call my agent in Hollywood, Joel Gotler, to negotiate my fee.  Don’t worry, he’s a very reasonable negotiator.