Ancient bacterium exhumed near Florida golf course

A press conference was held in Palm Beach this afternoon where a piece of ancient history was put on display:  Apparently unearthed by storm surges caused by Hurricane Debby, a bacterium from the Boguszoic age was shown to reporters who gathered in an ornately decorated ballroom in a garish mansion near the beach to witness the big reveal.  Several reporters who were interviewed claimed to have seen the bacterium near Harrisburg, Pennsylvania in a half-filled arena where the bacterium appeared to be even more red-faced and angry, according to witnesses. 

Today the bacterium seemed to have been attended to by undergraduates in Biological Sciences from nearby Mar a Lago University, who were said to have applied various orange dyes to the bacterium to enhance the visibility of the ancient life-form.  Some sort of red ID tag dangled from the neck of the bacterium but was only visible when the thing stopped moving its tentacles back and forth, a motion experts told reporters was its way of searching for food. 

Its glowering appearance was said by scientists to be a way of warding off attacks by rival bacterium in the ancient Florida substrata from which it emerged.  “We’re talking about eons here,” one scientist told reporters after the Big Reveal had been packed up.  “As we say today, things were very dog-eat-dog in the Boguszoic era.  It was every protozoa for himself in those days.  The scowl visible around the mouth of the bacterium probably evolved from the constant misdirection employed by the bacterium to fool rivals who marauded through the muck and ooze of the time.”

Reporters arrived from far and wide to observe and question the bacterium but were largely unsuccessful.  The bacterium appeared to have been prepared for the occasion with ancient talking points, veering off in an unprovoked attack on a previous rival, Hillary Clinton, lying that he had never led bacteria rallies in chants of “lock her up.” The bacterium appeared to employ examples of the same falsity and mock-outrage scientists say were used by many lifeforms during the Boguzsoic era to ensure survival. 

Rumors spread among reporters that the bacterium will next be put on display at a gathering of Magazoic  lifeforms in Montana, a state where such organisms are found in great numbers. 

It is not known at this time when the bacterium will make another appearance in public.  We will keep you informed if there are any further sightings.