The only Republican on the ballot in the mid-terms is Donald Trump

Trump endorses Herschel Walker who shows him how to throw paper towel rolls.

Look no further than Herschel Walker in Georgia and J.D. Vance in Ohio for evidence of Trump’s hold on the Republican Party in the mid-term elections.  Both men, who can described as political novices if you give them the benefit of the doubt, are running for the United States Senate.  You heard that right.  They’re not bothering to start out running for state houses or state senates, nor are they entering a race for Congress on the bottom rung of the House of Representatives.

No, these two certifiable goofs are running for the Senate.  Here are Hershel Walker’s qualifications for office:  I was a famous football running back.  Here are J.D. Vance’s qualifications for office:  I wrote “Hillbilly Elegy.”  Oh, almost forgot:  I’ve also got a $10 million check from Peter Theil.

Walker has been endorsed by former President Donald Trump, who called him a “friend” and “a patriot” who “will always stand in support of law enforcement” and “fight hard for our Second Amendment and voter integrity.”  Walker was subject of a protective order issued by a Texas judge on behalf of his ex-wife, who told ABC News that he had pointed a gun at her head and said “I’m going to blow your fucking brains out.”  The same judge also barred him from possessing firearms for a period of time.  This was after Walker had been confronted by Irving, Texas police officers responding to a complaint by his ex-wife that he had threatened her while driving past in his car.  The police officers confiscated a gun they found on the floor of his car “for safe keeping.”

Vance, on the other hand, is actively seeking Trump’s endorsement after having tweeted about him as a candidate in 2016, “My God, what an idiot,” and describing him as “reprehensible.”  That was before Vance met Trump’s good friend and big-money political supporter Peter Theil, the co-founder of PayPal and conservative activist fond of backing lawsuits against media companies with the intention of putting them out of business, which he succeeded in doing with the popular website, “Gawker.” 

Having accepted Theil’s largess and put his newly-sensitive political pinky to the wind, Vance deleted his anti-Trump 2016 tweets and made his way to Mar a Lago, Kevin McCarthy-style, to ask for forgiveness and bow and scrape at the feet of his master.  Last week, the day after Alec Baldwin accidentally shot the director on his movie set and killed the cinematographer, Vance sent out a tweet to Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey pleading to “let Trump back on” the social media platform because “We need Alec Baldwin tweets.”  One person lay dead and one was wounded in an accidental shooting, and J.D. Vance was joking about it on Twitter. 

Vance describes himself in his Twitter profile these days as a “Christian, husband, dad, and Ohio candidate for U.S. Senate,” so we should probably add the first three to his list of qualifications to run for that august position, along with his avowed support and admiration for Kentucky Senator Rand Paul, who is tied with Ted Cruz for member with the fewest number of friends in the Senate.

When Walker filed papers to run for Senate in Georgia in August, he listed the Atlanta address of a home owned by his current wife.  But he lives in Texas with his wife in a $2.8 million house with a five-car garage in a gated community northwest of Dallas.  Walker has declared a “homestead exemption” on his taxes in Texas saving himself about $1200 a year.  Under Texas law, homestead exemptions can only be declared if a house is your primary residence.  The exemption does not apply if the house is your second or third home.  So Walker, who made his name as a player for the Dallas Cowboys, owns businesses in Texas and faces a lawsuit filed by a bank to recover a $200,000 loan on a pizza parlor business, also located in Texas, has some deciding to do about where he actually lives or intends to live.

But Walker isn’t hurting for endorsements.  Senate Minority Whip John Thune of South Dakota endorsed him on Monday, and Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell jumped on board on Wednesday, telling reporters, Walker is “the only one who can unite the party, defeat Senator Warnock, and help us take back the Senate.”  This, after only two months ago urging former Georgia Senators Kelly Loeffler and David Perdue to consider running again.

What happened between August and October, you might ask?

Donald Trump happened, because he is apparently the only Republican name on the ballot in any of these races around the country.  In Alabama, Trump’s endorsement was the key to his ally Mo Brooks announcing for the Senate.  Brooks, you will recall, was one of the speakers at the rally on the Ellipse on January 6 before the assault on the Capitol, telling the crowd, “Today is the day American patriots start taking down names and kicking ass.”  Brooks made the pilgrimage to Mar a Lago in April, paying Trump $25,000 for use of the place for a campaign fund raiser.  Also on board the SS Mar a Lago was Sarah Huckabee Sanders, paying Trump $10,000 for a fundraiser for her run for Governor of Arkansas.  Trump has endorsed her, too, of course.  These days, if you want Trump’s support, you pay him rather than the other way around.  Only then do you get to make use of his endorsement.

In Pennsylvania, Trump has endorsed yet another candidate who has had not one, but two protective orders against him. Sean Parnell, a former Army Ranger, is in the midst of a bitter divorce and custody battle with his wife who called 911 during a domestic incident which resulted in the police ordering him to leave his home and surrender his guns.  No wonder Trump endorsed him.  Like Herschel Walker, he is following the Trump playbook in disputes with wives, ex-wives, and lovers:  deny everything, and then deny it again, and if it ends up in court, move to seal all the records, which Parnell tried unsuccessfully with his divorce records.

Now all Trump has to do is find a “Second Amendment” candidate who is still permitted to own guns and who doesn’t have a protective order against him.

Trump doesn’t have much to worry about though.  Whoever he picks for whatever office, Mitch and Thune and the rest of the boys will be right there endorsing his anointed candidates and groveling and writing checks for events at Mar a Lago.

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