If you’ve known someone who died by their own hand, you walk around for the rest of your life with a question mark so real, you can see it with your eyes and feel it on your skin. Why? What drove them to do it? Even though people commit suicide all the time, no one wants to confront that darkness or our resentment that they have left us with the terrible knowledge that death is not just a reality, it’s an option.
My very special daughter died by her on hand. She took many substances including heroine. I do know why. I read some of her writing. She hated her life for years. She couldn't stay sober and her "friend" used and abused her. He best friend died in a bar fight. (Him). She was 36 and had being talking about killing herself since adolescents. Such a sad, beautiful, sensitive, tortured human being. She knew the truth of her behavior. It's been 11 years.
Lucian, your discussion of the people you have lost showed so much pain, sensitivity and loss.
Thank you for opening yourself up to writing about these two important people in your life. You have a hard earned perspective and I appreciate you sharing that with us.
Suicide is the answer that leaves the rest of us with questions. I am fortunate in that the only real friend who committed suicide was a multiple personality and was finally released from her demons in her late 50’s.
I have had 3 former coworkers suicide.
I have investigated over 50 suicides as a cop. Some were the ultimate “fuck you” to their spouse/parent, many more were those with mental health issues. 3 were terminally ill and wanted to go out on their own terms. 15 or so were veterans; 2 from WWII and 8 Viet Nam; the others all had a service connected issue.
In thought, I leave a rose on your brother's grave -- I don't know where the grave is. I never met your brother. I am an ignorant stranger. But I must try to feel.
My friend of perpetual surprises ... I didn’t know your brother died by suicide or that Phil Ochs was a personal friend. Ochs was one of my favorites, and we listened to him a lot. I loved his poetic lyrics. My ex husband met him at a conference shortly before he died. It still disturbs me to listen to him now. Thank you Lucian for sharing your personal heartbreaks. It has been my experience that the people we love leave because it is just too damned sad and hard to stay.
Great column Lucian, so much to think about. I've never known anyone driven to such despair, but my two favorite writers, Anthony Bourdain and Hunter S. Thompson were both suicides and I miss their insights and ideas nearly daily. Its all too much is a terrible thing.
Yes. Whenever I think of Anthony Bourdaine it’s with such a feeling of longing - wishing he was still here. I’ve held on to his books. And, right now in this very moment, I would give anything to read a current Hunter S. Thompson Fear and Loathing on the campaign trail. OMG! Imagine!!!
My son has suffered from depression since childhood and was officially diagnosed at the age of 14. He's 33, a college grad with a major in philosophy and a spotty job history. But what a great guy!
He's a prolific reader with a sharp, critical mind, and doesn't mind being alone for days on end.
Several years ago (spoiler alert: this has a happy ending!)... he began learning Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, coding and began devising a system of counter-argumentation (his Dad is a former prosecutor).
When he was young, I would enter the basement expecting to find my son hanging from the rafters. This was a way I had to steal myself against despair. But I refused to kick him out, because he needed a place of safety and that was my home.
Today he announced to us that he is preparing to move in with his girlfriend who is a research scientist from Eastern Europe and will take his two cats. If he ends up in Poland we won't be surprised.
What is surprising is that our grandparents fled "the old country", more than one hundred years ago, and he will return with the love of his life, a woman who knows his value and prizes his carpentry skills, intelligence and warmth.
I supposed we will keep his extensive library, which is meticulously organized. And clothes closets filled with spotless shirts, pants and jackets, until he is ready to transport them.
I thank my lucky stars I provided a safe haven, despite my own fears which did not rule me. Permit the heart to predominate!
Babette, You did the right thing. Depression and anxiety are poorly understood as endognenous and exogenous factors entangle and the roots, viewed through a clinical or practical distorting lens.
My parents practiced 'tough love' with me, not understanding that what appeared to be character deficits, were the result of an immune/neurological disease I was trying to cope with. My failing grades, a result of short term memory loss.
I very nearly didn't make it. They made me leave home when I was at my most vulnerable. I am still here, decades later. If only they had known then what medicine knows now.
You’re not the first one to tell me that. One woman who’s parents were concentration camp guards suffered lifelong depression and her sister committed suicide.
The truth is so difficult to come to terms with. And denial only makes matters worse.
I so wish every incidence of dealing with a mental illness could end “happily.” They don’t often. I know you are most grateful for your happy ending. The pain of those who suffer and of those left to mourn does not end so well usually.
Thank you, Lucian for your beautiful piece. My sister Lori died by her own hand in 1977. I also loved and followed Phil Ochs, an inspiration to me and our generation. I mourn him still. My sister and your brother Frank may have met on the "other side" and may be looking down on this world as we all attempt to sooth the upheaval all around us. I'll never forget the hunters and the bear. Poor bear, poor us....sending love from western India.
I'm so sorry about Frank. I've had several close friends choose suicide. It's a total gut punch. You wonder what you could have done, what you didn't do, you see the clues you missed, some things start to make sense, others become mysteries, you end up with a lot of questions and guilt.
Pleasures of the Harbor is one of the most evocative songs I've ever known. It always got to me, even when I was too young to really know why. I didn't know Phil Ochs, but spent some hours with him a few years before he went. A friend and I were charged with the responsibility of picking him up at an airport an hour away and delivering him in time for a concert at Cornell. Time was tight, and we had strict, worried instructions to get him there fast. But as soon as he got off the plane he headed for the bar, and would not be removed. He drank hard and fast, telling increasingly dark stories. We thought we'd seen a few things, having come through some tough parts of the 60s, but it was clear he was in a different league and a different place. I was so sad, but not at all surprised, when he checked out a few years later.
I greatly admire you for your willingness and ability to write about something so personal as the death of your brother Frank. In your place I doubt I could have done it. My condolences, and may you have some peace in his memory. What a wonderful picture of him in the canoe. I lost a friend to suicide late in our lives, and have wondered ever since if I could have been a better friend who might have given him a reason not to do it. He was living alone and losing his eyesight, which I knew troubled him very much. I was stunned when I was notified. It never occurred to me that he might take his own life. A very vivacious and lively guy, who had a rich interesting life. I tried for years to get him to write a memoir, which I offered to edit, and get published, but he would never do it.
I have found that writing, even fiction, tends to draw the pain to the surface. I try now to turn those rough drafts into something enjoyable to read. It is still a painful process but worth it.
Perhaps your friend found it too painful to face the process. I can't say for certain, but I think if a person can find the right editor, they can be very helpful, darn near therapeutic. .
The world contains so much pain, mostly unnecessary. No wonder some choose to leave early.
I resonate with your description of truth and lies. Sure wish there could be some cost to lying but it seems to be getting easier and more rewarding instead.
This treeing and killing the bear story is so much like what happened to me in Vietnam.
The goal was always to put the enemy in a box and kill them. Simple as dirt, but most times we had only a two or three sided box. On my second operation with the Army Advisory Team we did that rare thing: we got a 4 sided box and killed them all. I had a camera on me. I have pictures. We killed 5 very stupid VC who when trapped refused to surrender; they had dropped their weapons earlier and ran. A Vietnamese RF sergeant threw two grenades into their old Viet Cong pit and killed them all.
I doubt one of these children was over 17. We had "treed" them. I never took my camera with me on a ground operation again. But I still have my 12 pictures from that little Kodak camera. I was happy about it then, but not now.
ADDENDUM:
I would not be surprised if your brother's last thoughts were about that bear in a tree. He may have felt like that bear. I know that there have been times when I've felt treed like those kids we killed.
That stupid war! All those people killed, for what? All the people injured, for what? All those people, like Frank, who carried the horror of war with them, until it became too much to bear.
"If you’ve known someone who died by their own hand, you walk around for the rest of your life with a question mark so real..." so true, it has been over 10 years since I found my son's lifeless body in his bedroom, despite all the counseling, I still wonder "what if I....'. Lost my senior NCO during my last deployment to SWA in 2003-2004 to suicide a couple years after we got back, I think I helped him with long term issues he had with depression while we were deployed, but we were a composite unit assembled from all over the US to deploy and he was from Atlanta while I live on an island north of Seattle, lost contact and then found out he had taken his own life, if only I.....
Being an only child, I can only guess how heartbreaking it must be to lose a sib, and to suicide, no less. I suspect I am perhaps more understanding of suicide than many people. I believe there may be a time when some people feel the overpowering need to turn off the noise, the pain (emotional or physical), or in Frank's case, the war. My father used to say that "Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem," but I do understand it.
My very special daughter died by her on hand. She took many substances including heroine. I do know why. I read some of her writing. She hated her life for years. She couldn't stay sober and her "friend" used and abused her. He best friend died in a bar fight. (Him). She was 36 and had being talking about killing herself since adolescents. Such a sad, beautiful, sensitive, tortured human being. She knew the truth of her behavior. It's been 11 years.
Lucian, your discussion of the people you have lost showed so much pain, sensitivity and loss.
My heart goes out to you.
I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious daughter. My heart goes out to you.
Please forgive my horrible spelling
Thank you for opening yourself up to writing about these two important people in your life. You have a hard earned perspective and I appreciate you sharing that with us.
Suicide is the answer that leaves the rest of us with questions. I am fortunate in that the only real friend who committed suicide was a multiple personality and was finally released from her demons in her late 50’s.
I have had 3 former coworkers suicide.
I have investigated over 50 suicides as a cop. Some were the ultimate “fuck you” to their spouse/parent, many more were those with mental health issues. 3 were terminally ill and wanted to go out on their own terms. 15 or so were veterans; 2 from WWII and 8 Viet Nam; the others all had a service connected issue.
There are no answers.
Let's start with "No More War!"
Can you tell I have never fought for my life in a rigged battlefield?
Every day we struggle with our inner demons who keep us up at night.
When we awaken we have to deal with the demons of those who are closest to us.
Take your life personally, but not so seriously that you can't laugh at yourself.
Absolutely
In thought, I leave a rose on your brother's grave -- I don't know where the grave is. I never met your brother. I am an ignorant stranger. But I must try to feel.
He is buried at Monticello.
Of course
As he should be
My friend of perpetual surprises ... I didn’t know your brother died by suicide or that Phil Ochs was a personal friend. Ochs was one of my favorites, and we listened to him a lot. I loved his poetic lyrics. My ex husband met him at a conference shortly before he died. It still disturbs me to listen to him now. Thank you Lucian for sharing your personal heartbreaks. It has been my experience that the people we love leave because it is just too damned sad and hard to stay.
It's been said that every time you think of someone you lost, they're alive again.
To you, and others.
It's the remembrance of the life that counts.
Not the ending.
A very moving emotional piece that got me crying.
Peace be with you.
This is a beautiful reminder.
Great column Lucian, so much to think about. I've never known anyone driven to such despair, but my two favorite writers, Anthony Bourdain and Hunter S. Thompson were both suicides and I miss their insights and ideas nearly daily. Its all too much is a terrible thing.
Yes. Whenever I think of Anthony Bourdaine it’s with such a feeling of longing - wishing he was still here. I’ve held on to his books. And, right now in this very moment, I would give anything to read a current Hunter S. Thompson Fear and Loathing on the campaign trail. OMG! Imagine!!!
My son has suffered from depression since childhood and was officially diagnosed at the age of 14. He's 33, a college grad with a major in philosophy and a spotty job history. But what a great guy!
He's a prolific reader with a sharp, critical mind, and doesn't mind being alone for days on end.
Several years ago (spoiler alert: this has a happy ending!)... he began learning Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, coding and began devising a system of counter-argumentation (his Dad is a former prosecutor).
When he was young, I would enter the basement expecting to find my son hanging from the rafters. This was a way I had to steal myself against despair. But I refused to kick him out, because he needed a place of safety and that was my home.
Today he announced to us that he is preparing to move in with his girlfriend who is a research scientist from Eastern Europe and will take his two cats. If he ends up in Poland we won't be surprised.
What is surprising is that our grandparents fled "the old country", more than one hundred years ago, and he will return with the love of his life, a woman who knows his value and prizes his carpentry skills, intelligence and warmth.
I supposed we will keep his extensive library, which is meticulously organized. And clothes closets filled with spotless shirts, pants and jackets, until he is ready to transport them.
I thank my lucky stars I provided a safe haven, despite my own fears which did not rule me. Permit the heart to predominate!
Nothing else matter as much as kindness.
Babette, You did the right thing. Depression and anxiety are poorly understood as endognenous and exogenous factors entangle and the roots, viewed through a clinical or practical distorting lens.
My parents practiced 'tough love' with me, not understanding that what appeared to be character deficits, were the result of an immune/neurological disease I was trying to cope with. My failing grades, a result of short term memory loss.
I very nearly didn't make it. They made me leave home when I was at my most vulnerable. I am still here, decades later. If only they had known then what medicine knows now.
You’re not the first one to tell me that. One woman who’s parents were concentration camp guards suffered lifelong depression and her sister committed suicide.
The truth is so difficult to come to terms with. And denial only makes matters worse.
I so wish every incidence of dealing with a mental illness could end “happily.” They don’t often. I know you are most grateful for your happy ending. The pain of those who suffer and of those left to mourn does not end so well usually.
fortune favored you, and what a blessing that is. I am still praying my love is enough.
Thank you, Lucian for your beautiful piece. My sister Lori died by her own hand in 1977. I also loved and followed Phil Ochs, an inspiration to me and our generation. I mourn him still. My sister and your brother Frank may have met on the "other side" and may be looking down on this world as we all attempt to sooth the upheaval all around us. I'll never forget the hunters and the bear. Poor bear, poor us....sending love from western India.
I'm so sorry about Frank. I've had several close friends choose suicide. It's a total gut punch. You wonder what you could have done, what you didn't do, you see the clues you missed, some things start to make sense, others become mysteries, you end up with a lot of questions and guilt.
Pleasures of the Harbor is one of the most evocative songs I've ever known. It always got to me, even when I was too young to really know why. I didn't know Phil Ochs, but spent some hours with him a few years before he went. A friend and I were charged with the responsibility of picking him up at an airport an hour away and delivering him in time for a concert at Cornell. Time was tight, and we had strict, worried instructions to get him there fast. But as soon as he got off the plane he headed for the bar, and would not be removed. He drank hard and fast, telling increasingly dark stories. We thought we'd seen a few things, having come through some tough parts of the 60s, but it was clear he was in a different league and a different place. I was so sad, but not at all surprised, when he checked out a few years later.
That must have been quite an experience. Wow.
So sad
I greatly admire you for your willingness and ability to write about something so personal as the death of your brother Frank. In your place I doubt I could have done it. My condolences, and may you have some peace in his memory. What a wonderful picture of him in the canoe. I lost a friend to suicide late in our lives, and have wondered ever since if I could have been a better friend who might have given him a reason not to do it. He was living alone and losing his eyesight, which I knew troubled him very much. I was stunned when I was notified. It never occurred to me that he might take his own life. A very vivacious and lively guy, who had a rich interesting life. I tried for years to get him to write a memoir, which I offered to edit, and get published, but he would never do it.
I have found that writing, even fiction, tends to draw the pain to the surface. I try now to turn those rough drafts into something enjoyable to read. It is still a painful process but worth it.
Perhaps your friend found it too painful to face the process. I can't say for certain, but I think if a person can find the right editor, they can be very helpful, darn near therapeutic. .
The world contains so much pain, mostly unnecessary. No wonder some choose to leave early.
I resonate with your description of truth and lies. Sure wish there could be some cost to lying but it seems to be getting easier and more rewarding instead.
Lucian, you have had quite a life!
Yes, I believe it's pain that drives people , in most cases, to take their own lived. Enormous pain.
This treeing and killing the bear story is so much like what happened to me in Vietnam.
The goal was always to put the enemy in a box and kill them. Simple as dirt, but most times we had only a two or three sided box. On my second operation with the Army Advisory Team we did that rare thing: we got a 4 sided box and killed them all. I had a camera on me. I have pictures. We killed 5 very stupid VC who when trapped refused to surrender; they had dropped their weapons earlier and ran. A Vietnamese RF sergeant threw two grenades into their old Viet Cong pit and killed them all.
I doubt one of these children was over 17. We had "treed" them. I never took my camera with me on a ground operation again. But I still have my 12 pictures from that little Kodak camera. I was happy about it then, but not now.
ADDENDUM:
I would not be surprised if your brother's last thoughts were about that bear in a tree. He may have felt like that bear. I know that there have been times when I've felt treed like those kids we killed.
That stupid war! All those people killed, for what? All the people injured, for what? All those people, like Frank, who carried the horror of war with them, until it became too much to bear.
And here we go again, all over the planet, it seems....45 wars I think Lucian mentioned in an earlier post. The world has gone mad...again.
This is such a sad story on so many levels. I hope you are okay.
Oh my, so deeply moving. No words.
"If you’ve known someone who died by their own hand, you walk around for the rest of your life with a question mark so real..." so true, it has been over 10 years since I found my son's lifeless body in his bedroom, despite all the counseling, I still wonder "what if I....'. Lost my senior NCO during my last deployment to SWA in 2003-2004 to suicide a couple years after we got back, I think I helped him with long term issues he had with depression while we were deployed, but we were a composite unit assembled from all over the US to deploy and he was from Atlanta while I live on an island north of Seattle, lost contact and then found out he had taken his own life, if only I.....
Can’t think that.
Being an only child, I can only guess how heartbreaking it must be to lose a sib, and to suicide, no less. I suspect I am perhaps more understanding of suicide than many people. I believe there may be a time when some people feel the overpowering need to turn off the noise, the pain (emotional or physical), or in Frank's case, the war. My father used to say that "Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem," but I do understand it.