The Pentagon lied

The Department of Defense released a report this morning saying that it had found no evidence of alien life on earth. The Pentagon also absolved itself of “covering up” secret programs that had been alleged to have hidden extraterrestrial technology or “anything else extraterrestrial,” in the words of the report.

They lied. All three broadcast networks and CNN, CNBC, MSNBC, and Fox broadcast images of an obvious alien lifeform seated in what looked to be the command module of a fleet commander’s spaceship disguised as a suburban kitchen. The lifeform was identified as an alleged Republican senator from Alabama named “Katie Britt,” who proceeded to speak an alien tongue in a whispery voice that had apparently been recreated from daytime soap operas. Here is an image of the alien lifeform captured from the broadcast last night:

“What the hell am I watching right now?” a stunned Trump adviser asked a reporter from Rolling Stone in the middle of the alien’s incomprehensible televised message. Another Trump adviser speculated that the alien’s strangely whispered communiqué would end up being copied as a “lame Saturday Night Live skit.” A right-wing radio talk show host complimented the alien’s well-rehearsed delivery, admiring the fact that even from outer space, she had “mastered the ultimate weapon of dames everywhere: the fake cry. That’s a seasoned pro right there.” 

A Pentagon spokesman reached on the phone this afternoon stammered an official apology for releasing the DOD extraterrestrial study “prematurely.”

“Had we known the Republican National Committee was concealing this important national security information, the Department of Defense would have acted to stop the broadcast in order to prevent panic among the population. The Pentagon will be initiating a new, more comprehensive examination of the conspiracy to coverup this alarming broadcast as soon as we can decipher it.”

A Democratic Party spokesman, who had watched the first three minutes of the alien communiqué before turning it off, laughed and said, “We’ve been telling you for years that the Republican Party has been taken over by evil aliens who appear human. Maybe now you’ll believe us.”